quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
