pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
