My liver just broke up with me...
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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