i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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