I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
