2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
