I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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