Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
