I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
