We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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