It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
