are you still at the devil's house?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
