did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
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