I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
