I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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