The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
