I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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