I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
