some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I don't deserve a penis
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
