just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
