I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
