So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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