my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
