I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
