her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
