i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
