a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
