i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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