I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
