Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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