Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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