I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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