Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
