Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
what is it with giant penises always finding me
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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