i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
