im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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