Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
