new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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