You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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