Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
