Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Life is so much better after having sex.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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