So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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