I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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