I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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