I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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