By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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