I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
