remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
