How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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