we're chasing vodka with high fives
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
