What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
